Although Wanjohidaily remains closed, once once, I can give you stories of giants, like this one.
I told you how my old car used to show me news, but i have never told you what beer has shown me, atleast the other side of the coin. You only know how they get climbed after beer but not the bad ones.
If you remember, thuruaris used to literally fly off of persons of out when I cruised around places with the old car. Normally, “Old” and “Car” is not something most of us would want to talk about, atleast not in the same sentence. If you put them in the same sentence, you are as well saying that your middle name is ‘I love trouble big time”. But my old car made me eat persons and you know several of them stories.
Today’s is about beer. Beer has shown me news. Bad and bad news. I am not trying to discredit beer drinking. Drinking is biblical. Only excessive is not so good. First of all, if you’re leading your life in such a way that you don’t drink.. atleast even wine, congratulations, you are a monkey. Jesus did not turn water into wine because he was bored, or he had run out of ideas. He could have, as well turned it into Delmonte juice, or Keringeti. Delmonte and Keringeti are expensive and those guys would have been very happy to partake such expensive stuff in a weeding. But he chose wine. Because its cool and it makes you say things you cant say when not under the influence.
Long time ago, we went to a place called Kenol. We had gone there to look for the Chairman of CDF because we wanted to get contract to build roads like Mushina. For those who dont know Kenol, it is the place where old people reach. In my language, if you call a person “muthee” here in Nairobi, they tell you, “muthee me Kenol” (old people are in Kenol), meaning, if one is in Nairobi, it is bad to call them old. Old people don’t reach Nairobi, they reach Kenol. Kenol is some few kilometers from Nairobi. Original, its name used to be Kino until some leaders from Central Kenya, led by father of Uhuru protested.
After failing to get the contract to build, atleast even a bridge, Theuri put this song… I gotta get drunk by Willie Nelson (You must be over 50 to enjoy this song. We used to listen to it when we were in our 20s, long before some of your were born. ‘nanana.. I gonna get dunk. Cant stay sober. nananna… spend my whole paycheck on some old wreck..and bro.. I can name a few.. nanannaa… Doctors tell me i gota slow down.. but there are old drunks than there are old doctors… nananan so i gota get drunk and i sure dread it..”. There there, we said we are dreading entering bars, but sure we gotta take two for the road.
After a few minutes, some persons that looked like sun, more so their thutha, entered and sat two tables away from us. We did not take much interest until they ordered half Viceroy. We looked at each other and filled for ourselves that they were not trappers. Trappers cant order viceroy. Atleast not half. They order sodas and wait for men to come near them and start buying them beer.Again, this were not the kind Nelson was taking about .. they were not old wreck.
When our meat of burnt came, we told the washer of hands to also wash them. Although we expected them to refuse, they did not refuse. After, we told them to come near fire to eat and drink. Fire of out is not basked from far.
Since the persons were two and we were 4, Theuri said that whoever want a person should buy them beer. I removed myself because I knew Theuri is a kabia mwaniki (Rat mwaniki), he wanted to lost from buying but later, you will refuse to know where you person has gone after buying until morning. Akuku and another guy that does not know Theuri well said he will arranged himself.
After we started to get drunk, Theuri started his giants stories. Although the persons were laughing at his stories, they were not removing their grip on the buyers of water, a sign that they were watu wajanja.
After we drank enough, we said that we cannot drive all the way to Nairobi at night. We said we look for a place to put head until tomorrow. The persons said that they knew one good hotel.
We entered the car and Akuku and the other guy started to kiss small. After that ‘small’ time, we were woken up by sun that was burning us from up. The persons were not there and on searching ourselves, we had nothing. Mobile phones, wallet, everything, including an expensive jacket I had just bought, not in exhibitions, but in Shina. A verry unique jacket.
At first, we thoughted that one of us was trying to play a trick on the rest of us. After thinking and thinking, and remembering that we left the put few minutes past mid night, we knew we had been stolen by the persons. Either they putted medicine in small quantity or, we were extremely drunk.
We had no phone, not even one cent and no means of communicating. The petrol we had was not even enough to reach Kabati where the most annoying police in Kenya puts road block.
We tried to think who we could call from Nairobi for rescue. Of all the people we knew, no one knew their telephone numbers offhead. By good luck, Theuri remembered one guy. We borrowed phone from a shop to call. Since there was no mpesa then, we instructed the guy to come with two thousands for the rescue mission.
The guy took his sweet time and reached at around 4. He found us so hungry and angry. We first abused and read him small for keeping us like vihees waiting. To apologize, he said he will buy 3 3. We went to the same place to see if we could trace the persons that put medicine on u.
Beer is of devil. Although we were sad for being stolen, I saw two beautiful persons. Having nothing to loose after all, we had been stolen everything the previous night, I followed them and started to beat stories of giants with them. I told them how we were stolen. They told me Kenol is mambo bad at time. We had not bathed the whole day, so, i guess i was smelling small, because they were listening to the stories with their noses closed.
In the meantime, the buyer of beer had finished money. They wanted us to go home. They searched for me all over until they gave up. Theuri said that maybe, i had been closed by one of the ladies. They said i will arrange myself since i was in safe hands of a person of out.
When i went downstairs, the waiters asked me where i had been to since i had been looked for all over. I told them that i was upstairs talking to some persons. She said they had looked for me all over. I refused to know what to do. I had no phone and I dint know the phone number offhead of the guy that had come to rescue us from Nairobi. There there, i knew i had been climbed kwa nyeni.
I went back to the persons, just to see if any will die sorrow for me. They felt for me and asked me what i will do. I told them that i will sleep in the bar. They held their chin and said that all bars close at 1 am there. One person said that i drink one as we waited for the club to close.
After club closed, the persons felt for me and told me since they cannot leave me to sleep out, i go with them at their home. I lifted my hands up small to thank God for the miracle. My tree also standed small because i knew there were chances of me climbing in the most unlikely quarters.
When we started to walk towards their home, in Makenji, i refused to know if they had bought makobosto. I almost asked but said bad is bad. Makenji, is an equivalent of Mathare or Korogocho. Now imagine walking to Korogocho at night.
As we were walking, they talked how thieves first climb people kwa nyeni at Makenji and sorounding areas. I feared more but said if the thiefs strike, they will climb them first and i will have a chance to run away before they finish with the persons. Before i could finish my thinking, one of them said, that even if they get you with your person, they first climb the man. I wanted to cry but restrained myself. One of the ladies started to say how one thief she knows was telling them how he climbed one guy whose car had broken down near Makenji. He said that when climbing, he inserted his tree kwa nyeni. When he removed, the thiefs tree looked like how a taribo looks like when digging a hole. mud mud on the side. I prayed more.
We walked and walked and due to many beers i had taken and my drunkenness, i felt like urinating. I stopped to urinate and when i finished I could not see the persons. They had disappeared. I called them in loud voice but no one answered. There there, i knew I had been losted.
I refused to know what to do. Was it to go back or what. We had walked for over 5 km. I remembered the thieves and canceled the option of walking back to Kenol. I said bad is bad. I better sleep in the bush and risk snake than kwa nyeni.
I went to a ka bush and sat there , waiting for morning to come. As i was sitting, dogs were coming, running, and on seeing me, they would hit emergency break and turn away. I refused to know why they were not barking at me. Later, I came to know that they are used to people hidding in bushes. Thiefs. And they know that those thiefs dont carry legs of chicken or bonoko. They carry real gun. Again, I heard that they were also used to so many guys hidding in the bush after drinking makari. But since those dogs did not want to risk if i was thief or drunkard of makari, they gave themselves shuguli.
The other things that was making me feel that it was the sure end of me was snakes. I then remembered that if you fold two of your right hand’s fingers, you immobilize snakes remotely. I prayed to God to keep off the thiefs. I told God that I can keep off the snakes by folding my fingers, but thiefs, he is the only one who can keep them away. I told God that if morning reaches, all the glory and honor shall be his. I told God that I will forever bless him. I also told him that if i reach Nairobi safely, tomorrow of that day, I will glorify his name. I told God to remember only one good thing i have ever done. Not two but one. I reminded him one how i give offering at Muiru’s, a woman I once gave fare near bus station among others.
My prayers were answered. No thief came. When morning came, almost 6 am, I removed from the bush and started walking towards Kenol. Just before reaching Kenol, donkey tired, I saw beat an emergency break and stopped. Then, a guy from the car shouted ‘Wanjohi nikii ureka guku, kai ugurukaga?”
On looking, it was a guy that we drink together at Magomano and Grace villa. A very oiled guy that specializes on stealing other people’s persons. I first knelt down and thanked God for the miracle. I told God that he is faithful because he hears prayers of those that believe.
I run towards the car and told him to open car I sleep small first. I told him that I had a very long sad story, only possible in a movie and cant talk about it until I catched sleep small. He insisted and told me I look hungry and haggard. When I heard food, I opened up and told him the whole story, starting Friday to Saturday to that morning. Instead of crying for what had happened to me, he was being collected under the table. He then told me we go back to Kenol, he buy me breakfast.
After breakfast, he then told me to accompany him to his shags, some few km from Kenol. That is where I had an opportunity to bath and sleep small. At around 4, we went back to Kenol and started to drink again.
As we were drinking, I made sure that I was not removing eyes from him, lest he disappears too. Even when he was going to the latrine, I made sure that I followed him closely.
After he saw I was not sad anymore, he told me that from there, he has devised a way to snatch persons from me. He said he will be beating my persons that story of how i slept in the bush. This guy is another one. I told you he specialises in snathing other peoples persons. He never enter bar with persons and when he does, he comes with people that are worse than toothless. When he sees you with a good person, he whips notes of thousands, like a hundred k folded together. He would then tell the person ‘nduke urenge ihindi urie nyama” (Cut bone to eat meat). No person of Nairobi with good head can resist to cut bone.
I think next time, I will tell you how we once drew for him to be stolen by persons of medicine so that it can be a lesson to him and people with tabias like his.
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine