I am going to write this because, one, majority of you have disappeared with bill, or left with bill in bar. Again, it is illegal to sell beer on credit. The constitution of Kenya (new) say it is illegal and you can be jailed. So, even if i confess where we stole bill, no one can come to us and demand we pay. They did that at their own risk. However, so that we continue to access bill and have more chances of losting with bill, i wont name the bars we have stolen bill because it is still stealable and we can do it again and again.  Read on.

Tomorrow, if you dont know is public holiday, and it is 1st of half year. If you have not been paid, and you feel like drinking beer and eating nyama for free or you pay later, i have few ideas that might help you. Free is not the best but you can give yourself credit by force. Again, if you have people of out that have habit of coming with the entire family members or schoolmates, i also show you some medicine that, if properly implemented, we can revolutionize the world and it will be a better place to live.

We are abit lucky ourselves because, me, Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku have few places we go and give ourselfs credit by default. Sometimes, we dont want those credits but we are given the credits by force or given for free  and by force. We try to persuade them to take money but they dont.  Long time, we did not think it is good idea but if the  service demands that, we do it, what do we do. Again, we have been stolen by waiters many times before and hitting back once or twice is not bad idea.

I have told you before how we were stolen by waiters, now i will tell you how we have stolen waiters on several occasions.  One day, we go to see a plot Theuri wanted to buy in Mlolongo. When we reached there, we were pinched for that that place had been marked for road destruction. To console our long journey all the way from Nairobi, we enter one bar. Where we went, we found waiters that talk to us in Kamba. When she hear we dont speak Kamba fluently, she serve us very bad. That place is the only place on earth where a 2kg of meat take two hours and 6 minutes to burn. We did not complain because we thinked they burnt their meat with sun and we wanted to taste how meat burnt by sun tastes.  But when the meat came, it was like it was burnt by fire of grass. 

Another thing, beer in that place is served directly from Ruaraka depot. If you order one round, they go and fetch your beer at KBL, Ruaraka. Then, they wait for it to be cooked before taking it from Ruaraka depot. So, you can imagine how long you have to wait.  We drink full of complaining and angry and that is when we thoughted of going back to Nairobi.  Our bill had reached 3,200, we all share bill equally, except Mpesa who say he will send by Mpesa. We then call waiter to come take her money.

The waiters are other people there. She just look at us as if we have climbed her and refused to pay her. We telled Theuri to remain and beg her to take money for the bill as the rest of us went to enter car. After beating car fire and waiting for Theuri to come, Theuri come holding all money in his hand like makanga.

“Ngoma ici citiroka kuoya bill. tuike atia? ” said Theuri, angrily.  (this devils dont come to take bill. We do what?

“Ingira ngari tuhane uguo. Nimakuhura thimu maigua nime kuoya mbeca” replied Akuku, in small voice. (enter car we look like that. They will beat phone when they feel like taking the money).

Theuri enter car and still look if they will come and take money.  Slowly slowly, Akuku drive and no one come to ask for bill. When we reach road, Akuku zoomed at 180. The only person that complain is Mpesa saying it is wrong to steal small money. We tell him because he is pastor, he go back and pay all. Again, we did not refuse to pay, there was no one to ask for money.

Tomorrow of that week, we go to a place owned by Kirima in Ngara. They cook the best chemsha in Nairobi. Long time, people all people of Nairobi, including my uncle that lives behind Nairobi University used to go there and eat their chemsha. That day, Kirima had not dieded, he was still living in Kitisuru. Kirima’s is the only place they sell beer at the recommended retail price. Infact at times, they cut retail price by Kshs. 5.  We drink and drink and eat nyama of 1Kg. The waiter that serve us was very unfriendly. She get angry because when theuri look at her, he say:

“we ndirenda urutire muthuri wi haha etagwo Akuku thuruari nawe utonge” (remove thuruari to this man called Akuku and you will be reach)

According to the eye witness, they say she get climbed by the manager of that place and so, cannot entertain any jokes of muclimbano from revelers. Those days, anybody that was manager of Kirima was rich because they all fight and sometimes, dont know all his properties.

When Theuri see she get angry for nothing, he verbal diarrheas as usual ” Ahh pole. Ona Akuku anjira ati ndangithugumira mundu wikiraga mithi na biker (ooh sorry. Akuku has just told me he cant urinate a person that put Kamisi (dont know engish word, sorry) and biker).

When she go to collect our meat, she refuse to carry water to wash us. They quarrel with the meat man and the man, jokingly threatened to pierce her with knife.  She come almost crying and say she has gone to report to police that the meat man want to pierce her with knife. After we finish meat, Theuri reminds us that if police come, they will take us along because we drink before Mututho say we drink.

Then, Theuri say dont fear police if you have money. The problem of police is money only. We order for more drink  but where. We stayed and stayed and no one to sell us. When we call other waiters, they tell us to wait for the one that was selling to us. They say everybody has a specific section to sell. We wonder because, we are only like three groups of customers in full club.

We then look for person to give money but no one is bothered. We take bill and walk out and climb car and left. We stole another 2k. Tomorrow of that week, we go there again. We waited to be rehiod the previous day’s bill but no one asked. We did not even remember the lady, so we are not sure if she was indeed pierced by meat man. Theuri say that its alright because we have not even drinked beer of Kirima and yet, he is the richest man in Muranga where Akuku comes from. We have stolen many more times, but all other times, we go back tomorrow and pay.

Now, this is for the ladies that drink and eat peoples money and then, when it is time to be climbed they lost away. One day, a lady eat and drink money of Theuri. I wont say she was garbage, but he had collected her from a club after her friends got closed by men before she could even drink two drinks. But rukungu thinks that if you collect a person of out from a bar, it is garbage or small person of trap.

Theuri called her and they drink and drink. The first thing Theuri ask is “Murigo ndiraringa kinya rucio. nguira mama ndathie mabatha. Sawa? Na nie shuma yakwa iigana ya funda, uguo we haririe biu” (I will beat things until tomorrow. I will tell mama i have gone to Mombasa, ok? and then, my tree is like of donkey, so prepare piu). That is a way of gauging if she will be eaten or not.

She said she will give Theuri things. After drinking and drinking, she agree to go to room. When they reach to room, she started naming herself and refused to be climbed, giving lame reasons, like its her first time to meet Theuri and they should know each other.  Theuri look at her and refuse to know that when he climb her only one time, she will be seeing Theuri in air, he will not even pick her calls again.

Tomorrow of that day, it was Saturday. Theuri called her and she come with three peoples. They drink and drink and when it was time to be climbed, she say it is another day because she does not want her friend to know. Theuri understand this time and he tell himself that this is not a ka person of trap in the making.

Next week, she call Theuri and tell him that she want to meet him.  She came with two more chick. They meet in a club i wunt say. They find Theuri and Akuku drinking on bill. Akuku when he see many women see danger and lost away, leaving all the burden to Theuri.  The tu-persons drink and drink, all those double double beers. When bill reach 3k, Theuri look at it and decide to teach the person a lesson or two about life. He pretend he is going to latrine. He came back and reach dance floor, then dance dance and when he see no one see him, he lost away and closed his phone.

Lets those personwait for Theuri. They waited and waited until the waiter say he wants money for bill because  they were almost closing. Let the ladies sweat. They look for Theuri and call his phone but his phone was closed. 

The persons pleaded with waiter they only pay what they had taken, amounting to one thousand six but waiter refuse. She say all bill be paid together. Because the lady had known me in one of the meetings, she called me for help but when i hear it is not tiita that i am being called for, i pretended i cannot hear because of noise. They had to do a harambee and paid bill. Tomorrow, the person call Theuri and ask why he do such a thing. Theuri say:

“Reke ngwire swittie. Ndirakionire ngoma ingi ndeu ta ki ikiuma parking irahutia ngari yakwa. Na nie na fangi ciakwa, ndirateng’era ihenga, ndiramunyua ngundi ya uthio araringika. Kumbe thigari irari o hau. No kunyiya iranyitire. Ndaire kuo nie wanjigua haha” (Let me tell you. i saw one devil who was drunk, as he was removing his car from parking, he touched my car. Am me with my bangi, i run and punch him on face until he faint. I didn’t know police were around. They came and catched me. I slept there, even if you hear me)

He telled the person to meet him in evening he will refund all amount of bill that she had paid. That evening when she come, she come only alone. As we drink, all people left except me and Theuri. When she see Theuri go to latrine, she almost follow him.

Later, he took her to room and beat her tree proper, then gave her the money she pay bill with. Later, when Theuri called her to come for beer and maybe muclimbano (although he only call her after all other dates fail), she only come alone.

Same same Theuri, the current wife he has now had the same habit of coming with friends. Theuri disapproved that and warned her. After few days, she forget and came with a friend at the then popular Jam rescue, Outering rd.  When they came, he called waiter and say “enderia muhiki uyu” (sell this lady beer.) Note, he did not sell sell to this ladies. He even pointedon his lady. The waiter asked what she will take and she say Tusker malt. When the waiter was about to leave to deliver the order, the lady, who is now wife telled the waiter

‘ona uyu muenderie”.  They drink in bill and drink in bill, all being put together. When it was time to pay, Theuri look at bill and ask why it is so big.  The waiter count beer but theuri return “no no no. ngwirire wenderie uyu, ndinakwira ucio ungi” (No no no. i said you sell to this lady not others).

His lady makad and tried to intervene but he refuse. It is his her that paid the bill as the other girl didnt have nothing. Even today, he say if his PM, who was his girlfriend then had no money with her on that day, he would not have paid. From that day, she catched manners, she never came with bargages.

I dont have guts to do some things that but i hope i have given some of you courage and ideas you can do and win bigtime.

Ps:  To all the people of out readers of this blog, i was not involved.  I cant do that to a lady of out like that but please, if we know each other and want to climbana, please please, dont come with bargages. I am more man man, i will not let you take beer on bill. But i will be afraid to buy many people i dont know beer.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

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Its not newsworthy to write about getting sausage closed but if the person that get closed is none other than Wanjohi, of all the people, it is news. It is also news when Wanjohi get sausage closed by a 25yr old. I say that because, under normal circumstances, it takes me many convincing them ladies and spending many money on them before they agree to remove thuruari for me. It has never been so easy, except in some few occasions when i did taxi business.

One day, i looked at my wallet and saw it suffering too many deficiencies. And because i was thirsty of beer, I called Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku to borrow beer. They have never been known to refuse one another beer. Theuri can buy beer too but we dont make  mistake of going near him if you have a person of out and you are broke. He will buy beer but when  you borrow him money for room, he will say he will give you after, as if money is stating in his pocket to give birth.  He will take you round and round, buy you more and more then at the end, say “aaa mangai tuanya mbeca ciothe. Riu tuguika atia Wanjohi? (aah. we have drunk all money. What are we going to do.) If the person you have is a cierunde (those that walk with Thuruari on head),  Theuri will be left with her and eat the person for you.

We agreed we meet at Visa place, umo. So that they dont fail to come, i called Theuri and said “na haha ninda andu eri, kwanja umwe ndari na Thuruari. Gaka kangi ni kairu uria wendaga, kaihuritie urugari mwiri” (I have two peoples here, first one has no pantie. The other one is black the way you want, she is full of fire) If you tell Theuri you have a cierunde somewhere, he will never fail to come.

On my way to Visa, i remembered one pub called Hornbil where beer is cheaper than my local. I entered there and gave myself a seat at the counter. On the other side of counter, there was seating one hot person that kept looking at me. I dont like persons of out that look at me persistently. What come to my mind is that they are either person of trap or person of medicine and their only aim is to do a kizito on me. I continued to drink my beer as if nothing was happening.

When i look with vagina of my eye, i see she was consistently trying to get my attention. I get shy in such an instance and to remove shy, i looked at her and closed one eye on her. She smiled shyly, then beckoned the bar man called Mwai and said something to him. When she smile, i see one teeth is missing and that tells me she is from Gachie. Gachie has never been known to produce good people, so i tell my mind not to think of anything stupid.  The bar man came to me and tolded me that that person has said i order her beer. I did not say anything. Although i was suffering from money disease, even when i am loaded, i am not the type that throws round to persons that are not drunk. Our strategy with Theuri is, always wait until they are fully drunk and throw one drink at that time. Again, the kind of drink she was taking called Heineken is a colonialistic drink and i dont like the idea of buying drinks manufactured by white people. I am that patriot.

When she see i did not respond, i hear her tell Mwai to bring me one tusker. Although like Theuri, i dont say thank you if you buy me beer, i just did like this with my thump to show it has reached. Theuri say that he can only say thank you if you give him a plot, not beer. I am not the kind that want to be challenged by people of out and because of that, i returned hand by buying her one Heineken. Just like Malt and other small beers, it go two two but i tell Mwai to give her one only.

Some people, especially those who call themselfs independence women have horns, i tell you. When she saw i only buy her one and not two as they go in most clubs, she called Mwai and told him to bring me two Tuskers. And who is Wanjohi, i drunked all of them without returning hand again. I was not used to that competition. One time, when coming from latrine, i wented to where she was seated and introduced my self:

“My name is Wanjohi” i said, leaving Kigogoine deliberately.  She told me her name is Wambui, although pretending less interested.  Without saying more things, I went and sat back to my chair and continued to drink. There was one lady seated next to me and when i went back,we started to chat chat just like that. When the drinker of Heineken see i start to talk to the lady, she sent two redds for her and two more Tuskers for me. She had now boughted me 5 beers against one Heineken i had ordered for her. Seeing it too much went to her and asked her to come and sit where we were because i wanted to study her proper.

Its like she was waiting for that. She came and sit between us . I first measured her at 18 if she wanted to put medicine on us but when i remembered i had a Shina phone and less thank a k, I stoped getting worry. Again, the more one get drunked, the more one throws caution to the wind.

“Kai, wina nia iriku? kunjuraga na mai? ” (you have what aim? to kill me with beer?) is that first thing i asked after she settled.

“You think i dont know you?  I have seen you here before and i thought of chokozaring you. When i saw you dont want to buy me beer, i said i can as well buy” she said in a rather soft voice like of radio people and in English. Me, when i know you can talk greek, i talk Greek, if you want to return in English or sheng, its shauri yako.  I cant speak English to a person that can speak and understand Greek.

“Ona nie ndanakuona ringi. na wimuthaka ta shaitani, kwaja figure iyo yaku” (I have seen you before. You are cute like satan, especially that figure.) Although i lied that i had seen her before, about being cute, she was very very beautiful.

We talked and talked but many of the talk was to flatten her because i wanted one more drink from her before zooming off to Visa. I had no plan whatsoever of climbing her. One i did not have money and two, i dont trust women that want to close me, they always have an added agenda not easily discerned.

She boughted two more for me but i refuse her to buy that other lady because i tell her we were not together. Small small, i see she touch my thigh as we talk. I also touch her small small, still fearing and in my mind, i had no plan for her. When i see my tree stand for nothing, i decided it was time to leave the place. I told her am going to Visa to meet friends. She telled me we can go together. I still had 850 bob left after paying for my one drink and her one drink, so i said, its enough to buy one one at Visa as we look for Theuri.  We still had drinks left, i told her to return and get cash back but she refuse. She tell Mwai to take all and keep money. When we go out, i pretend i am returning to check on something and telled Mwai my beer should be kept as stock for tomorrow.

When we enter car, we kissed and kissed and i touch touch her small because i see she enjoy it. When i touch her brookside branch, i feel they were firm and small, they had never been sucked by babies.

“Sweerie,  can you get a room somewhere, i want to rest kiasi” She whispered. In me, i knew that was another way of saying “I want your tree in me ASAP”. A clever person has no given of news. He reads in between the lines.

I did one plus one and remembered one guest house called Jeremani. The owner is my friend and so, i knew i could access credit facility anytime. After all, if i dont get him, rooms there are 700bob and they are of good standard.

We zoomed to there and found Munene, the room’s attendant. I told him to give me one room i pay tomorrow which he agreed.  But when i tell him to give me makobosto on credit he refused. He sell Makobosto 100 bob and I am sure that is his side business.

This person was in real need of tree. Even before i finish closing room, she had removed trouser and top. She remain with a hot pant and bra. When i turn, the first place my eyes landed was her camel toe, sending immediate signals to my tree.  Inside myself, i knew i was acting like a person of trap. Although i cannot be shown, I had to pay back the beers i drinked and I was not very happy about that. I like eating a person i struggle to get, not those that come with pantie on head. It makes me feel better, i dont know why.

I moved slowly, dancing dancing, then held the person and kissed. I throw her on bed and slowly remove the pantie. When she see i want to suck tiita, she tell me we wash body first. We went to shower and as we shower i just had to ‘act’ and please her. Although i dont like it, i suck breasts and tiita in shower although uncofortable. Water enter my ears and nose but i continue to suck and suck until she pour. She also sucked my tree  but i did not pour in shower.

Then i take towel and wipe all water on her body, then wiped me. I throw her on bed, then rolled makobosto on my josto and continued to suck. I closed all holes, like what i do when i want woman to say mbu. She cried with sweetness until she remove tears. After the joti, she telled me that she has never been climbed and felt that good in her entire life. She tell me for 6 months, she had never been climbed because she break up with her boyfriend after her boyfie accused her of getting climbed out and it was not the case. They boyfie took another girl and that was too pain for her to handle.

In my mind, i knew she was measuring me. I knew the chances were, she was a person of somebody and had had some mistunderstandings with her man and to consolse herself, she said she will be climbed by a stranger.  I believed my version because, later on, when i want to climb her, she was not available all time. She only wanted to come when she wanted and not when i wanted. But that is life.

(The best Team in England was climbed three shots by another good team. All holes were closed, although we only pour one time. We regret the loss anyway. We dont have enough shock absorber like Arsenals and Chelsie who are used to getting climbed all time, so if you care, and you have a Man u fan friend, buy them two drinks everytime you meet them until i say stop.)

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

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If you have problem with your marriage, be careful who you ask to help solve it. And worse still, if you are climbing people or getting climbed out, be careful who you ask to shield you. You will learn from this incident about Theuri and his one time good friend and business partner. Theuri never talks about his because he saw fire with his own eyes and escaped being a resident of city mortuary by the grace of God.

Back in the days, just after Theuri finished reading in university, he start business, just like me. He partnered with one man called Tulaga. Tulaga is nickname because he come from Kinangop where tulaga is the only means of transport from Nairobi. Tulaga was and is still a master climber of people. There is no woman that he can point and fail to climb. Climbing people is like a prescription to him. Every weekend, he must climb somebody.

In the business they put together, sometimes they used to travel out of town, so even whenever he wanted to climb people of out, he would lie to his PM that he has traveled out of town.

One day, as they drink beer, Tulaga see a person of out and say he must climb. Tulaga is not like me who climb a person one joti and feel satisfied. He climbs and climbs until tomorrow. He neither takes enhancement drugs like what i do at times when i am beaten. You know there are some enhancement like Kamagra you take and you eat and eat until she get dry. But some of them are bulshit, like Enzoy. Besides tasting like urine, it did not make me stand for many times like i thought.

The person was a pupil in one of the college and she stay in one of the hostel in Ngara. After Tulaga see he must climb, he call Theuri for meeting. He tell Theuri to take Tulaga’s car (Theuri had not boughted car then) and go with it home and in the morning, he come pick him so that he lie to the PM that they were together for business. He then called the PM and say “Ithuri tutigitukiriirwo naguko Mtito Andei. Na niundu wa marori uria macinaga mundu utuku ri, tuona tukome guku” (We have been nighted here at Mtito Andei. And because of the way trrucks burn people at night with lights, we have decided to sleep here)

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri come and pick him from lodging and they go to Tulaga’s house. When Tulaga’s PM see Theuri and Tulaga together, she believe that indeed, they were out of town. Infact when they go home, they pass to Marigiti and buy Potatoes and cabbages so that they lie they boughted in upcountry as they come.

Theuri is another person. He will never see a ‘loophole’ and fail to take advantage. Be it business, or holes of people of out. He is just but bad news. One day, Tulaga as usual call theuri and tell him ” Eh munene, oya ngari ukangira kiroko room ta kawaida” (Eh boss, take car and pick me in morning like usual)

Because they were used to talk and beat jokes with the PM also, he called the PM after he leave Tulaga ” Kweruo atia nyina wa tuana turi mwiri?” (How are you mother of people in body)

She said she is ok and theuri continued “urugite ki njuke ndie ” (what have you cooked i come eat. She say, although in jokes that Theuri was invited. Theuri beat car fire until Tulagas house. When the PM see Tulagas car, she ask where is Tulaga and Theuri tell her to relax. Thinking she will be told that Tulaga has been killed by gangsters, Theuri tell the PM,

“Tiganana na muthee. ndatiga akigagurwo ni tuiretu twa cukuru town. Nie arume ndioi uria mendaga tondu ri, kairetu gathaka tawe, yello yello na no kumanga manga” (Leave mzee alone. I have left him being served by college girls in town. Me i dont know what men  want because, a good woman like you, yellow yellow and yet he is still loitering around) Wife refuse to believe and think theuri is joking. Theuri tell her if you want to confirm, he will call him. Theuri call Tulaga and put speakerphone on and say

“Mutongoria, kamundu uhihinyite tushoti tuigana riu?” (leader, how many shots have you squeezed so far? ). Tulaga returns

” Reke nguire, ino ni engine njeru. Gaka ona ninie ndatumura. ona condom itigithirire” (Let me tell you. This is new engine. this one i am the one that open. Even makobosto is finished). Then continued ” ndu kahorie thimu, ndaingiria nguhurire wiigue uria karakaya wega wega ngithugua” (dont switch phone off. when i insert, i will call you you listen how she cry good when i am climbing).

Wife cries and Theuri tell her not to cry. He tell her the best thing is to repay through same same. He tell her she should also get climbed too. Theuri borrowed and that day, he climb Tulagas pm good good until tomorrow. When tomorrow morning comes, Theuri rushed to pick Tulaga so that they appear together to the PM and say that they were together in other towns for business.

He went and picked Tulaga and they pass at Marigiti to buy things as they were used to. They went home and tulaga greets wife in hug and then say “reke nguire. Thabari iyo ndirari nene. Mutito tuauma 7, na ni wona thaa ici tui guku. Andu a Mtutito makugeithia muno” (Let me tell you. That journey is big. Mtito we leave at 7 and we are here at this time. People of Mtito said hi, then *wink* wink*). The PM just look at him, not angry and not happy because she was also guilty.

Tomorrow of that week, same thing, and in morning, Theuri would go and pick him and they go to the house. Then, as usual, Tulaga would start:

“reke nguire nyina wa uria, turari nyaikuru na Theuri na mbiacara ni njega. ona ndina waru hau buti thie urite. (Let me tell you mother of nanii, we were in Nakuru and business is good. I even bought potatoes for you. Remove from boot.)

Wife would just look and say ‘ooh. nithengio.’ (ook thanks).  But in her heart she know that he was from climbing people and she too has been climbed proper by Theuri. The process continued for many many months until one fateful day.

One day, Tulaga call a person of out from i cant remember where. They drink and drink and as usual, Theuri drops them in Tulaga’s car in one of the rooms in ngara. When they reach room, the lady start raining. Her month come two day before its time, according to her. Since Tulaga could not sleep with a person of out and not eat her, he decided to call Theuri to drop him home. Tulaga say he cannot eat a person with month because it will attract bad luck to him. Although he had lied to the PM that they are in Nakuru, he say he will tell the PM that they have decided to come by dark, even if Buses heading to western burn them badly with lights.

When Tulaga call Theuri, he hear the phone is mteja. Because of the way his tree was standing, he say he will take taxi to his house and eat the PM with the image of that girl that he lefted in room because she had month. When he reach gate, he see his car and fail to know how it come here. The car was supposed to be with Theuri. When he knock house, wife come down to open. According to her, there was no chance in hell for her husband to come home. The process had happened for many months and there was no chance of backfire. She had come down to open even without alerting Theuri who was fast asleep after eating a person of other. She was so confused at that time.

She opened and when she see it is her husband, she fail to know what to do. Tulaga there there suspected and ask who came with car.  She stammers when aswering but Tulaga hear Theuri’s name.  Tulaga rushed in speed to his bedroom upstairs where he found Theuri fast asleep snoring. When he removed bedsheets, he see Theuri butt naked. He punched Theuri so hard on face until he remove blood by nose. Theuri wake up fast, still not feeling pain and when he look and see Tulaga, he thinks he is dreaming.

Theuri jumped from bed and begged Tulaga. Tulaga then run down downstairs to kitchen and pick knife. Theuri look at window and wanted to wanjiru but he see distance too big. He see he might fall by head and die if he jump, so he change mind. Because he know trouble might come, he close the bedroom door and remain inside saying his last prayers, just incase Tulaga burn the house. When wife see Tulaga with a knife, she run out and say alot of mbu that attracted the whole of neighborhood. All people of neighbor come and plead with Tulaga.

After many people come, and it was past 3 AM, the wife tell neighbors that she was hitting back because Tulaga eat people. He tell them, date by date, even time,  when and who he eat. All neighbor hold their mouth  in shock but advise her that that was a wrong way of hitting back.

Theuri after seeing many people had opened door and come out to plead and say sorry to all people that he had caused pain, although no one listens to him. Tulaga enter house, picked some clothes, then telled theuri he has given him that woman. He was fuming with fire.

The PM turned to Theuri and tell him he set her up. How true that was i dont know, but everytime, Theuri used to tell Tulaga “Nairofi gutiri kuauma mutumia” (Nairobi has never removed woman. I guess he say that because the wife of Tulaga was a born city.

Their businessmen relation ended there there. The man went and married another woman, although later, they reconcile. He has two wifes as we are talking, and still climb babies of college. He say anything above 21 is too old for him. Their relation with Theuri has never been as it was before.  Because they are all my friends, when i go to Theuri, he tell me

“Tulaga no araia tuana. Ni mundu mukigu muno. Ndari hakiri. Handu arie andu mature, mundu ungiguitira mbiacara, ni tuana ariaga. No mbeca tumuriaga” (Is tulaga still eating babies? he is fool, instead of eating people that are mature, people that can call business for you, it is babies of college. Its his money they only eat).

When i go to Tulaga, he say “Muratagwo niatigire kuria makoro. Ucio ona angiona cukura niakuria. Fata hakorwo hena irima” (Did your friend stop climbing garbage? That one even Chokoras he can eat. Provided there is hole).
 And because i want free beer, i return

” Urauga atia we,  hari ingi ndiramukorire nayo, kinya magego ndiri ni gukura (what do you say you, there is one i meet him the other day, has even no tooth because of old age). When i tell him that, he laught and get happy and ask for three Summits for Wanjohi. I cannot say anything to earn a beer from Theuri. With Theuri, even if he say you get 3, at the end of the day, he take bill and do mathematics, then say “o mundu arege magana manana” (Everybody, bring 800 bob).

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

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I have told you before my tribulations and temptations i wented through when i was doing taxi business. I have tried to count how many people of out i climbed both in car and in their houses, and mostly almost by force and when it reached 9, i stopped counting.

I have telled you how i climbed one at her posh residence in Kileleshwa. I started with that story because she tell me to leave her house very early in morning, knowing very well that i leave my taxi in Langata. I had to walk all the way to Westlands to catch matatu to town.  I have climbed others, although they dont have good drama than that of kileleshwa, but since they are still story, i will tell because it doesn’t happen everyday in normal circumstance.

I used to trap at Nakumatt that burnt down during day and at night, i go to tropez out or down down kimathi street. One day, one woman come before nakumatt close (it was not 24/7 those days). Because i had carried her many times, she come and do many shopping and keep in my car. She then telled me she is going to drink beer with the girls and will call me when she is about to go home.

But before she go, she telled me i go with her and drink beer on her but being on a friday, i refuse because we had many jobs on weekend. At around past midnight, she call and tolded me to pick her up at 680.

Since i had not seen one customer, i thanked God for that one because i charge her 1500 to Ruaka estate. She come down very drunk. When she enter car, she come and give me peck. I was used to getting pecks from ladies of out passagers, so i felt nothing but when we drive and she touch touch me, my tree start to stand. She then tell me i am handsome and look good and smart. Although i dressed well even when i do taxi, although many problems, i knew she was flattening me. If anybody thinks that i am handsome, then Andrew ligare, the man that draw boundaries of senators and governors is then, a super handsome man. However, i took it lying down because i wanted her atleast after she arrive, she is beaten by tha or pity and add me some tip on top of the one thousand five.

When we reach gate, she telled me to help her carry some items to her house upstairs. Being so late, i first hesitated but she insisted. Again, i did not like people treating me as courier boy. My work was to carry them to their destinations and not to help them carry things.  When i open boot, she tell me its not good idea to do that when car is outside, so she telled me to insert the car inside her compound. When i enter, she show me where to pack but i park near gate. She telled me i will block other cars if i pack there. I started to refuse to know why just helping her take things upstairs will cause jam. After she insisted, i moved car and pack inside well.

We enter house. She enter latrine very fast, leaving me standing inside and not telling me to sit. Because the house is very smart, i did not tell myself to sit, so i just stand at door like fool. When she come, she tell me to seat as she remove Vodka from one of the paper bags we came with. She then ask me what i will mix. I have never been known to refuse beer at all cost and it was a while since i had drinked beer, so i said hot water.

She poured Vodka and bring water and served me. As i drink and beat story, she tell me she has one baby but is with grandmother for holiday in the village. I dont ask about husbands but because i fear what would happen to me incase a man comes in at that time, i ask her about him. She throws saliva out and say “mmh. muthee wa ngoma. nindamuehereire ahote kuhura umaraya wega” (I removed myself he be able to beat prostitutes well.” With that statement, i felt secure and good because i know if i happen to eat, just incase, it will not be another man’s woman. I dont eat other men’s wifes. But for girlfriends, i can eat anytime of the day.

After we beat stories small, she telled me she is gone to freshen up. I drink in hurry because i want to go back to work and continue trapping. When she removed from bathroom, she come  with a towel wrapped around her. She start to smear her legs with lotion and pull towel up. I pretend i am not looking but I see red thighs and i feel something go twap, in my stomach. My tree then misbehave and start to stand again.When she look at me, she see i am shyly not looking, only with vagina of eye. She continue to smear more and more until i now look life life now.

I count one to three, to prepare myself to say to her “mangai kuu ni kuguru. kuu ni kwa njogu ma i” (True god, that is leg? that is of elephant)

She  giggles and as if she had gotten confidence two folds, she came and kiss me on my lips. And who is wanjohi? I kiss her back and slowly but surely slip my hand up her thighs. When i go up up, i feel she is shaved. Quickly, my tree stand straight zigzag and she see that. After taking 4 gulps of Vodka, my eyes and mouth opened and i start to flatten her again.

When she saw i enter her box completely and that i am determined to climb her, she come closer to me and kissed my lips, then asked “Derefa, have you ever been measured?”

“Njita Wanjohi, derefa ni muthigari wa prisons. Nie kinya kiruru giakwa nigithime”. (I  is called Wanjohi. Derefa is askari of prison.  Even my shadow is measured)

“Wanjohi, me is nurse of Agakhan. I have measuring instruments here” she said jokingly. “Do u want to be measured?”

“Thima, nini. Ona wenda kurehe latiri ithime kinya kilo ciakwa rehe. Kari gani. ” (Measure me. Even if you want to measure my kilogram, bring latri and measure. Whats up)

She rushed to bedroom and come with the kit. I wanted to run away when i saw she come with them. All along, i thoughted she was joking. I did not run because it was already too late. She removed her blood and measured herself. She then asked for my hand to measure. Trembling testicles like leaf, i gave it half heartedly. She then look after one minute and say

“waaoo.. we are clean. We dont have mneck. We can now climbana meat to meat without fear”

I was too drunk with horny and beer when she say that. I imagined myself climbing such a thing and telled myself that, even if she tell me she has gotten stomach, i wouldn’t mind to have a baby with such a creature. I will rear the baby.

In slow motion, i removed her towel and throw it on seat, leaving her butt naked. I look at the tits and i see they are big, just the way i like it. All that while, sometimes i feel like i am dreaming. I do not pinch myself because i may pinch myself and wake up, yet it was a good dream. This lady was the type, when she stand up and but legs apart, then attention, you see a hole at the end of thighs. It is word i lack to describe her but this the type you can even eat when she is standing. Those types that have kamwanya and her hole is up up small.  You can enter your tree  and it will go three quarter inside.

I stand there for two minutes to admire her shape and yellow yellow body. I give her compliments, although some are just flattening, one because i dont want her to change her mind and two, i want her to add money.

Those days, i suck tiita very well. I sucked tiita and suck until she say alot of mbu. I even fear she will wake up neighbors. When she finish to say mbu, she come and touch my tree. She look at my tree, then look at my face and tell me she like the shape of my tree. She say trees that are not straight make women feel good. She say it drill all part of hole. That made me very proud because when i was small and i see my tree stand zig zag, i fold with cloth to straighten it , although it did not become straight.

Like she is trained to suck tree, she suck tree and suck even testicles until i pour without entering. She does not stop to suck testicles until i stand again.

Just like i told you that it requires a miracle for me to eat somebody 2 shots, she disturb me the whole night and make my tree stand. Although she was beautiful, she is too slippery and so i dont feel like doing her again. When  it stand, i climb somebody very fast before it slows down. When i feel like it is about slowing down, i put picture of beautiful girls that read news. Those days, there was no Tahidi high so, there was no Tanya and there was no facebook girls then. You know this days, if the cow refuse to gaithia, i put picture of Tanya on my mind and the tree stand zig zag very fast. When Tanya fail to make it stand, i put picture of some girls i see very beautiful on facebook. I imagine it is them lying next to me, making the tree stand.

On that night, i eat like all TV ladies anchors of those days that looked good. I wunt say who made it stand faster because i dont want wrath but i swear, she did big miracles. I ate that somebody until tomorrow at 10. I leave house tomorrow after breakfast. When i was about to leave, she pulled me back to house and climbed one quick joti on seat. When i leave house, she did not pay me for my taxi. I wanted to ask for payment but felf ashamed to ask. It was stupid thing to do because i was hustler fighting to make ends meat. I lefted that house feeling bad because i had not drinked enough petrol the night before because i say i will drink on my way back at parklands. As i drive back, i tremble all testicles because i feel like it will finish petrol on way. When i reach town, i borrow money to drink petrol before i got a customer.

From that day, i say i will not enter houses of people of out but later, i finded myself many more times in their houses, although not all time i eat them.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine.

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If you have heard this from someone else, he must have heard it from me, so sit back and hear it from the experiencer.

I have telled you early that i have eaten people trap many times but i stopped when i was catched eating one in a motorcar. I started eating people of trap early enough when most of you were still children of birth. The first time i ate, i was still a pupil of form three in Kagumo seconday. (I hear they is make is it National school. So, my friend that wented to Starehe and speak good english will shut his mouth because he is more proud of going to National school than University where he read how to do mathematics called Calculus  like calculator.

If you know Nyeri, you know the heart where you can get the cheapest hole. It is called Majengo. I was motivated by one pupil we called Dobi Dobi. Dobi dobi is a pupil that almost made me drink bangi many times. After losting from school, he wouild go to Majengo and eat a person of trap, then come back with minute to minute account. (he breaked the school record of buying many barbed wire in 2yrs because, if you were catched losting from school, the punishment was to come with parent and barbed wire). A shot for students, particularly from our school was Kshs. 20 bob.

When he come from eating those people of trap, he would tell us how he eat three different trappers. One Saturday, he came to a group of us and telled us:

” mangai last sato ndirariire imundu ithatu. kwaja kamue ni kana biu. karainiria ta ikamba mungu moja (one god, last sato i eat three persons. first, one was child complete. she sings her waist like kamba lady)

It was not expensive then to eat people of trap. With twendi bob, you were assured of shot, according to Dobidobi. Although Dobidobi come from poor people, he finance his cigarete, bangi and people of trap by stealing bedsheets, spoons and blankets and selling them to those women. We drew with him to take us to people of trap, me and two other boys.

In Majengo, it had streets too. There are those street that sell bangi, for Chang’aa and for women. I hear people of english origin call it redlight district. He took us to a group of trapping people and when they see us, they know we are customers. They put legs apart and we see their vaginas, none shaven. Because i shake too much, i had never seen such things in my life, i go to the one that called me first.

Although look old, she was quite something. Big buttocks and small mouth. I had been telled that if you see one with small mouth, know that she has small vagina. How true it is, i still dont know. When we enter house, she tell me

‘Kijana, shoti ni chilingi alubaine. Reta pesa kwaja’ I did not like that word ‘kijana’ but i guess she say that because i was tiny.

I looked at her still not confident and tell her that i was told it is twendy bob.  she looked at me and in anger tell me

‘chilingi twendi tunafanyaga brow job” 

I almost walked out but being that she was experienced customer service, she come near me and start rubbing my head softly. She pitched me a for real, telling me that for arubaine, she will give me the best muclimbano i have ever seen.  I was defenceless, so quickly i said its ok.

‘Hapa mutu anaripaga kabla ya kura. Reta mbesha’ I dont know why she wanted money first and i hesitate. I had heard bad tales about how you can pay them and after eating, they yell asking for more, yet you had paid before. I dipped my pocked and removed forty shillings and handed over to her.

She started to fondle my dick and said “na huyu mutoto si uko na mboro kubwa. uko na miaka ngapi? I did not answer and was geting impatient because i really really wanted to eat somebody and go beat stories in school. She removed my trouser and droppeed it down. When she see the josto life life, she say 

“eeh mangai. onawe ni itheru. utaongetha kumi. hii mboro ni ya mwanaume”  (ooh my. you are joke. you will add 10 bob. your josto is for grown up).

I ignored her and when she see i am getting impatient, she removed her black pantie and put it on table. I will never forget. She then sit on a very shabby bed and throw makobosto to me. She asked if i know how to put condom and anwered in affirmative.

I was expecting to see scenes like we seid in porn movies, like getting my treesucked and stuff. I had never had my tree sucked before. But i was wrong. She lie and lift her skirt up and then  put her finger in her mouth, wets it and then wets the pussy.  

I climbed the bed, although myself butt naked, positioned my tree on her pussy that had many hairs (that why i hate unshaved pussy, i guess), then pushed it slowly inside her vagina. I felt alot of hotness inside. It goed without any stopage or hindrance. At that age, all the girls i had eaten, if any, had tight holes or undone ones.

Then, like i am being driven my engine, i pumped hard and fast. She stopped me and say 

“hei mutoto. hheeheheh, nikii, thie kahora!. gutiri handu kirathie. kwanja waikia uguo ugutura condomu na yaturika turihagia magana meri (hei, you kid, go slow, its going nowhere. infact if you go that fast, you will burst makobosto and if you burst, we charge 200 bob.)

I had not done a whore before and so i had to play with the rules. With slow moves now, she singed her waist and i felt very good. I thrust until she pick rythm. Funny enough, i did not pour. i think the parafin that was putted in githeri in school can as well work as viagra. I dont know if she pretends or it was real becaue she cry for feeling good. “aaahhh uuuuuu ooioo aaa hapooo iviiiii.. ingizaaaaa tenaa  ooohhh aaaaahhhh swittiiiiii ongeza kabisa… aooooooo’ until i felt my testacles shake and pwaff.. poured and colapsed on top of her.

She did not let me rest small on top of her. She shouted to me ‘Mutoto, amuka urudi chure. Na usome kwa bidii. Na nimeona unajua kazi eh!’

When i go back to school, i ask myself, if my dad knows that the pocket money he give me i am using to eat people of trap, what would he think?  i felt very angry with myself. I said that i will never go back there again. But the vow was very short lived. I became broker for boys that wanted to be taken there.  If i take one boy, the trapper give me 5 bob and the boy give me 10 bob.

P.S:  If you want to climb the equivalent of those, there is a place along Luthuli avenue. Somewhere upstairs. I have never eaten there but i went there two times when i was in college, and some people tell me its still there. I hear a joti is 200 bob and you pay room only 100 bob. Also, Karumaindo, aka Sabina joy has the same service but not sure of the charges. I used to enter there long time to urinate but cant dare now, rest Theuri see me coming from there. It will be talk of the month. When i was pupil of college, i hear that place people call it Hall 14. If you are still a pupil, and you want first hand experience, ask anybody to take you to Hall 14. To the rest, if you have three hundred bob with you, i have good news for you.  You can eat somebody in this Nairobi. Economy is not that bad anyway.

(I have just remembered how i was sausage fungwad. It was not drama but its is good story. Tomorrow i tell you. )

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

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