I am going to write this because, one, majority of you have disappeared with bill, or left with bill in bar. Again, it is illegal to sell beer on credit. The constitution of Kenya (new) say it is illegal and you can be jailed. So, even if i confess where we stole bill, no one can come to us and demand we pay. They did that at their own risk. However, so that we continue to access bill and have more chances of losting with bill, i wont name the bars we have stolen bill because it is still stealable and we can do it again and again. Read on.
Tomorrow, if you dont know is public holiday, and it is 1st of half year. If you have not been paid, and you feel like drinking beer and eating nyama for free or you pay later, i have few ideas that might help you. Free is not the best but you can give yourself credit by force. Again, if you have people of out that have habit of coming with the entire family members or schoolmates, i also show you some medicine that, if properly implemented, we can revolutionize the world and it will be a better place to live.
We are abit lucky ourselves because, me, Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku have few places we go and give ourselfs credit by default. Sometimes, we dont want those credits but we are given the credits by force or given for free and by force. We try to persuade them to take money but they dont. Long time, we did not think it is good idea but if the service demands that, we do it, what do we do. Again, we have been stolen by waiters many times before and hitting back once or twice is not bad idea.
I have told you before how we were stolen by waiters, now i will tell you how we have stolen waiters on several occasions. One day, we go to see a plot Theuri wanted to buy in Mlolongo. When we reached there, we were pinched for that that place had been marked for road destruction. To console our long journey all the way from Nairobi, we enter one bar. Where we went, we found waiters that talk to us in Kamba. When she hear we dont speak Kamba fluently, she serve us very bad. That place is the only place on earth where a 2kg of meat take two hours and 6 minutes to burn. We did not complain because we thinked they burnt their meat with sun and we wanted to taste how meat burnt by sun tastes. But when the meat came, it was like it was burnt by fire of grass.
Another thing, beer in that place is served directly from Ruaraka depot. If you order one round, they go and fetch your beer at KBL, Ruaraka. Then, they wait for it to be cooked before taking it from Ruaraka depot. So, you can imagine how long you have to wait. We drink full of complaining and angry and that is when we thoughted of going back to Nairobi. Our bill had reached 3,200, we all share bill equally, except Mpesa who say he will send by Mpesa. We then call waiter to come take her money.
The waiters are other people there. She just look at us as if we have climbed her and refused to pay her. We telled Theuri to remain and beg her to take money for the bill as the rest of us went to enter car. After beating car fire and waiting for Theuri to come, Theuri come holding all money in his hand like makanga.
“Ngoma ici citiroka kuoya bill. tuike atia? ” said Theuri, angrily. (this devils dont come to take bill. We do what?
“Ingira ngari tuhane uguo. Nimakuhura thimu maigua nime kuoya mbeca” replied Akuku, in small voice. (enter car we look like that. They will beat phone when they feel like taking the money).
Theuri enter car and still look if they will come and take money. Slowly slowly, Akuku drive and no one come to ask for bill. When we reach road, Akuku zoomed at 180. The only person that complain is Mpesa saying it is wrong to steal small money. We tell him because he is pastor, he go back and pay all. Again, we did not refuse to pay, there was no one to ask for money.
Tomorrow of that week, we go to a place owned by Kirima in Ngara. They cook the best chemsha in Nairobi. Long time, people all people of Nairobi, including my uncle that lives behind Nairobi University used to go there and eat their chemsha. That day, Kirima had not dieded, he was still living in Kitisuru. Kirima’s is the only place they sell beer at the recommended retail price. Infact at times, they cut retail price by Kshs. 5. We drink and drink and eat nyama of 1Kg. The waiter that serve us was very unfriendly. She get angry because when theuri look at her, he say:
“we ndirenda urutire muthuri wi haha etagwo Akuku thuruari nawe utonge” (remove thuruari to this man called Akuku and you will be reach)
According to the eye witness, they say she get climbed by the manager of that place and so, cannot entertain any jokes of muclimbano from revelers. Those days, anybody that was manager of Kirima was rich because they all fight and sometimes, dont know all his properties.
When Theuri see she get angry for nothing, he verbal diarrheas as usual ” Ahh pole. Ona Akuku anjira ati ndangithugumira mundu wikiraga mithi na biker (ooh sorry. Akuku has just told me he cant urinate a person that put Kamisi (dont know engish word, sorry) and biker).
When she go to collect our meat, she refuse to carry water to wash us. They quarrel with the meat man and the man, jokingly threatened to pierce her with knife. She come almost crying and say she has gone to report to police that the meat man want to pierce her with knife. After we finish meat, Theuri reminds us that if police come, they will take us along because we drink before Mututho say we drink.
Then, Theuri say dont fear police if you have money. The problem of police is money only. We order for more drink but where. We stayed and stayed and no one to sell us. When we call other waiters, they tell us to wait for the one that was selling to us. They say everybody has a specific section to sell. We wonder because, we are only like three groups of customers in full club.
We then look for person to give money but no one is bothered. We take bill and walk out and climb car and left. We stole another 2k. Tomorrow of that week, we go there again. We waited to be rehiod the previous day’s bill but no one asked. We did not even remember the lady, so we are not sure if she was indeed pierced by meat man. Theuri say that its alright because we have not even drinked beer of Kirima and yet, he is the richest man in Muranga where Akuku comes from. We have stolen many more times, but all other times, we go back tomorrow and pay.
Now, this is for the ladies that drink and eat peoples money and then, when it is time to be climbed they lost away. One day, a lady eat and drink money of Theuri. I wont say she was garbage, but he had collected her from a club after her friends got closed by men before she could even drink two drinks. But rukungu thinks that if you collect a person of out from a bar, it is garbage or small person of trap.
Theuri called her and they drink and drink. The first thing Theuri ask is “Murigo ndiraringa kinya rucio. nguira mama ndathie mabatha. Sawa? Na nie shuma yakwa iigana ya funda, uguo we haririe biu” (I will beat things until tomorrow. I will tell mama i have gone to Mombasa, ok? and then, my tree is like of donkey, so prepare piu). That is a way of gauging if she will be eaten or not.
She said she will give Theuri things. After drinking and drinking, she agree to go to room. When they reach to room, she started naming herself and refused to be climbed, giving lame reasons, like its her first time to meet Theuri and they should know each other. Theuri look at her and refuse to know that when he climb her only one time, she will be seeing Theuri in air, he will not even pick her calls again.
Tomorrow of that day, it was Saturday. Theuri called her and she come with three peoples. They drink and drink and when it was time to be climbed, she say it is another day because she does not want her friend to know. Theuri understand this time and he tell himself that this is not a ka person of trap in the making.
Next week, she call Theuri and tell him that she want to meet him. She came with two more chick. They meet in a club i wunt say. They find Theuri and Akuku drinking on bill. Akuku when he see many women see danger and lost away, leaving all the burden to Theuri. The tu-persons drink and drink, all those double double beers. When bill reach 3k, Theuri look at it and decide to teach the person a lesson or two about life. He pretend he is going to latrine. He came back and reach dance floor, then dance dance and when he see no one see him, he lost away and closed his phone.
Lets those personwait for Theuri. They waited and waited until the waiter say he wants money for bill because they were almost closing. Let the ladies sweat. They look for Theuri and call his phone but his phone was closed.
The persons pleaded with waiter they only pay what they had taken, amounting to one thousand six but waiter refuse. She say all bill be paid together. Because the lady had known me in one of the meetings, she called me for help but when i hear it is not tiita that i am being called for, i pretended i cannot hear because of noise. They had to do a harambee and paid bill. Tomorrow, the person call Theuri and ask why he do such a thing. Theuri say:
“Reke ngwire swittie. Ndirakionire ngoma ingi ndeu ta ki ikiuma parking irahutia ngari yakwa. Na nie na fangi ciakwa, ndirateng’era ihenga, ndiramunyua ngundi ya uthio araringika. Kumbe thigari irari o hau. No kunyiya iranyitire. Ndaire kuo nie wanjigua haha” (Let me tell you. i saw one devil who was drunk, as he was removing his car from parking, he touched my car. Am me with my bangi, i run and punch him on face until he faint. I didn’t know police were around. They came and catched me. I slept there, even if you hear me)
He telled the person to meet him in evening he will refund all amount of bill that she had paid. That evening when she come, she come only alone. As we drink, all people left except me and Theuri. When she see Theuri go to latrine, she almost follow him.
Later, he took her to room and beat her tree proper, then gave her the money she pay bill with. Later, when Theuri called her to come for beer and maybe muclimbano (although he only call her after all other dates fail), she only come alone.
Same same Theuri, the current wife he has now had the same habit of coming with friends. Theuri disapproved that and warned her. After few days, she forget and came with a friend at the then popular Jam rescue, Outering rd. When they came, he called waiter and say “enderia muhiki uyu” (sell this lady beer.) Note, he did not sell sell to this ladies. He even pointedon his lady. The waiter asked what she will take and she say Tusker malt. When the waiter was about to leave to deliver the order, the lady, who is now wife telled the waiter
‘ona uyu muenderie”. They drink in bill and drink in bill, all being put together. When it was time to pay, Theuri look at bill and ask why it is so big. The waiter count beer but theuri return “no no no. ngwirire wenderie uyu, ndinakwira ucio ungi” (No no no. i said you sell to this lady not others).
His lady makad and tried to intervene but he refuse. It is his her that paid the bill as the other girl didnt have nothing. Even today, he say if his PM, who was his girlfriend then had no money with her on that day, he would not have paid. From that day, she catched manners, she never came with bargages.
I dont have guts to do some things that but i hope i have given some of you courage and ideas you can do and win bigtime.
Ps: To all the people of out readers of this blog, i was not involved. I cant do that to a lady of out like that but please, if we know each other and want to climbana, please please, dont come with bargages. I am more man man, i will not let you take beer on bill. But i will be afraid to buy many people i dont know beer.
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine